Sunday, November 15, 2009

It's called falling in love because it feels like falling

When I was 16 I fell in love with my brother's best friend. It was in History class, we took Math together too but he just annoyed me there. Something about Math just agitates me I guess.

The first thing he said to me was, "Are you Marty's sister?" to which I cocked my eybrow and cautiously affirmed. He knew goddamn well who I was, and I did not want to incur my brother's wrath by associating with his friends.

And that was the start. He sat beside me. He had black shining eyes, and freckles all over. He only ever wore collared shirts. He always looked happy to see me.

A voice inside my head said "Oh. Fuck. No. Not him. Fuck" and I heard rushing in my ears. Sometimes I dream I'm suffocating, and I cant do anything to help myself, And I felt like that. I felt as if I was falling endlessly backwards. I felt fear and fury and hope and pathos.

It took 5 years before we got it together. In the intervening years he dated other people, I slept with other people, he stopped talking to my brother entirely, I dealt with the worst of my issues, we both moved to the city separately.

The Monday after Valentines day in 2005 I was in a state. My then boyfriend had chosen that weekend to tell me that he didn't love me, but didn't want to break up with me. I'd managed to stifle my impulse to destroy the boyfriend, had gone to work seething. At one point I looked up from the heated recollection I was giving my work-friend, and saw HIM walking out of a training room.

3 1/2 years later I married my highschool crush.

1 comment:

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